My Parents are Divorced, What Do I Do?
When your parents’ divorce, there are many changes around your life and the lives of your family, and one of them is the experience of mourning. A duel not only experienced when someone dies, but is a process that crosses with each loss in life. In this situation, you may experience a denial stage where you think the conflict is nothing serious, everything will be resolved soon and that your parents are not getting divorced. Also, you may pass through periods of anger, where you feel everyone is against you, which “bad things” just happen to you to you and even to feel anger against one or both of your parents for the situation they’re doing live. Added to this, you may feel guilty and believe that the conflict was your parents for something you did, or you can be sad and confused, not knowing why they are separating them or what will happen to your family. It is therefore important to know the best way you can cope with the divorce of your parents.
The first thing is to understand that what is ending is their relationship as a couple, not their relationship as parents with respect to you as a child (a). Ideally, your parents honestly discuss the real reasons why you are divorcing, but if that is a difficult issue in your home, you should try not to take responsibility for the decisions they, as adults, have taken. There may be details that are not worth you know, but try to hear what both have to say about it, because each person displays the conflict from their perspective and if you stay with the version of only one of them is likely to fail to understand the full extent of the reasons that led to divorce.
Thus, it is essential that seek to maintain open communication with both your parents and the rest of the family, and not isolate yourself, remember that your whole family is going through a crisis and it is important that they stick together to be supported . However, this support should not be construed as “taking sides” with one of your parents. It may be that this proves a little difficult, since it is likely that one or both try to find “allies”, especially if divorce occurs within a very unfriendly. In this case and as previously stated, it is recommended that you focus on that even though the couple is dissolved, the two will remain part of your life.
As a child it is expected that your parents want to stay together and therefore, may feel the responsibility to do something to make that happen. Thus it is likely you think you are guilty of conflict of them and this takes you to modify some of your behaviors to “fit right” also, you might try to arrange times for them to return to share as a couple, or may even might get angry and begin to behave with rebellion and disobedience. But you may not get the results you expect, because remember you are not the reason why your parents decided to divorce or separate, so that changes you will not have a positive impact on them as a couple.
In this sense, it is best that your behavior is directed not to add more conflict within the family environment, and instead seek space to keep your emotional peace. For this, you can go to trustworthy people who can give you support and advice, such as teachers, parents of your friends or people in your community and church. You can also chat with some of your friends who have gone through similar situations, if they exceeded the conflict in an appropriate manner, i.e. without resorting to drugs and rebellion; it is possible that they can guide you to do the same. Similarly, it is important to continue your life, dedicate yourself to your studies and recreational activities, sports or artistic, although the situation is tense at home, remember that it is a stage that will happen and then they overcome the grief, anger and confusion, the lives of everyone in your family will continue, so do not be completely wrapped by a conflict that, while directly affecting you, is only in the hands of your parents.
Another aspect to keep in mind is that when one of the parents stops living in the house, it is usual that one or more children want or are forced to perform functions that are not theirs. Thus, it may happen that in the absence of your father want to be “the man of the house, or before leaving the home of your mom may think you have to be the mother of your brothers, and so begin to have attitudes which are not suitable for you or your family. These are expected reactions, and if your sense of responsibility is very high, or if some members of your family put you in that position is likely to assume roles that belong to other people. The best thing here is to remember that your role is to be a child and as such cannot nor should “wear the shoes of someone else.” It is true that with the departure of one of your parents, your whole family is going to be unbalanced for a while, but as a group is better that we all take part of that role is left without a representative. Thus, it is recommended that you work more in household chores, you help the family economy (turning off lights you do not need, saving water, not talking long hours on the phone, etc..), And above all, commit yourself even more in the functions which you belong, such as the study.
However, when the entire divorce process has been completed and the stages of grief (denial, anger, frustration, confusion) have been undermining it is important to consider two fundamental aspects. The first has to do with your perspective on relationships. It is true that the experience you have lived with your parents can not leave a very nice picture, and this not only will depend on the causes that led to the breakup, but also the way your parents faced the situation, however, if you understand that every marriage and every relationship is unique and special and that you are a person with personality, you understand that the type of relationship you establish with other people depend to a large extent on the decisions you make. If the marriage of your parents can not find a role model, look around and find adults who have made it have a healthy commitment with your partner (uncles, grandparents, neighbors) and ask for guidance. Also, you may be able to learn from the mistakes of your parents and decide not to replicate these models, and let the positive lessons.
